How to Not Let Others’ Opinions Affect You

It’s the halfway point of the year, and we know many of you are struggling. We receive a lot of feedback online and when we are out on the road presenting and speaking with people of diverse ages – from school-aged students to those in the workplace. Emerging themes seem to be:
“How do I not let other people (their opinions) affect me?”
“Why doesn’t complaining seem to help?”
“What can I do when I am trying my best but nothing significant seems to change?”

We all encounter people whose views differ from ours or whose opinions about us can sting. They can sting hardest when we care about their opinion. They can feel like a ticking time bomb inside of us when we don’t necessarily trust or respect the opinions being thrown our way. Learning to maintain our emotional balance in these situations is crucial for our mental well-being.

1. Forge self-awareness and self-acceptance

Understanding your own values, beliefs, and strengths is crucial for building resilience against external opinions. Research in self-determination theory shows that individuals with a strong sense of self are less susceptible to external pressures and judgements. This is not to suggest that YOUR opinion is always right and that ALL opinions you don’t agree with or that don’t suit you are BS. By acknowledging your weaknesses alongside your strengths, you become less defensive and more open to constructive feedback, allowing you to discern between valuable input and baseless criticism.

Practical steps:

• Regularly engage in self-reflection through journaling or meditation
• Identify your core values and use them as a compass for decision-making
• Practice self-compassion when facing criticism
• “Teflon-Velcro” analogy: Be like Teflon for the negative and Velcro for the positive.

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” (Carl Rogers, psych guru in the 1900s)

2. Give cognitive reappraisal a whirl

WTF is cognitive reappraisal? Reframing your thoughts. Huh? Changing the story in your head. Got ya! Change how you think about a situation to alter its emotional impact. This strategy has been shown to effectively reduce negative emotions and increase well-being.

Practical steps:

• When faced with criticism, ask yourself: “Is this opinion based on facts or assumptions?”
• Consider alternative perspectives: “How might someone with more information view this situation?”
• Reframe negative thoughts into more balanced or constructive ones

3. Establish and defend your personal boundaries

Setting and maintaining boundaries is crucial for safeguarding your mental health and reclaiming control of your life. Think of it as building a fence around your personal space – not to shut others out, but to define where you end and others begin. Research confirms that individuals with clear personal boundaries experience less stress and higher self-esteem.

Practical steps:

1. Clearly communicate your limits to others – be firm but respectful
2. Practice saying “no” to requests that don’t align with your values or priorities. If it’s not a hard “no”, explain your current priorities and when you might be able to consider their request
3. Limit exposure to individuals who consistently undermine your well-being
4. Regularly reassess and adjust your boundaries as needed

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” (Brene Brown – most of you will have heard of her).

4. Focus on what you can control

Concentrating on aspects of life you can directly influence, rather than external factors beyond your control, is associated with lower stress levels and higher life satisfaction.

Practical steps:

• Identify areas in your life where you have direct control or influence
• Set goals that depend on your actions rather than others’ opinions
• Redirect energy from worrying about others’ thoughts to personal growth and achievement

5. Develop a growth/ “always learning” mindset

Developing a growth mindset – the belief that you can grow and improve in any area – can change how you handle criticism and setbacks. Instead of feeling attacked or defeated, you’ll see these moments as chances to get better. Or, if faced with a personal attack (dickheads do exist), you’ll be able to recognise it for what it is: more about the attacker than about you.

Practical steps:

1. Face challenges head-on; they’re opportunities, not obstacles
2. Embrace effort as the key to improvement – consistent work yields results
3. When criticism arrives (and it will, in forms ranging from constructive to cruel), ask yourself: “What can I extract from this?” This might be a lesson about your work, yourself, or simply learning about the person giving the criticism.
4. Celebrate your progress, not just your achievements. Let’s expand on this with some warm fuzzies, ay? It’s about the journey not the destination. This might sound like fluff, but it’s been the mantra of some of the world’s most successful sporting organisations.

“The passion for stretching yourself and sticking to it, even (or especially) when it’s not going well, is the hallmark of the growth mindset.” (Carol Dweck, Stanford professor and elite psychologist).

6. Replace complaining with problem-solving

“Complaining is like rocking in a rocking chair – it gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere.”

Research shows that chronic complaining can lead to decreased life satisfaction and increased stress levels. Instead, focus on constructive problem-solving.

Practical steps:

• When tempted to complain, pause and identify the core issue
• Brainstorm potential solutions or actions you can take
• Seek support from others in finding constructive ways forward
• ​​If you need to vent, do it strategically: Set a time limit (e.g., 10 minutes) with a trusted friend, then switch to problem-solving mode

“The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.” (William Arthur Ward – famous bloke with cool quotes).