How Can I Stop Being So Hard On Myself?

Ever made a mistake, stuffed something up, or dropped the ball? Missed an important meeting, overlooked a calendar invite, or mucked up daylight savings time? What do you say to yourself in these moments? “I’m so stupid.” “I’m so irresponsible.” “What’s wrong with me?”

Whatever the exact words, they all usually point to the same thing – being too damn hard on yourself. More often than not, that voice inside your head can be incredibly critical, harsh, even cruel.

Here we’ll explore some practical tips to overcome self-criticism, reduce stress, and improve your overall well-being – without ignoring reality or pretending everything’s fine.

Treat Yourself Like A Good Mate

If your friend or loved one made a mistake or was going through a tough time, would you call them an idiot or tear them down? Probably not – at least we hope not. You’d support them, offer perspective, and encourage them to move forward.

Take that same advice and apply it to yourself. Be a good mate to yourself.

Perfection Is BS

Nobody’s flawless, and chasing perfection is a fruitless pursuit. Missteps are part of life’s journey. Life will constantly test you, and there are two outcomes: successes and lessons. Sometimes you succeed, and sometimes you learn – but you never truly lose.

The only real loss is never challenging yourself. Adopting and practicing this mindset makes it easier to keep moving forward, even when things don’t go to plan.

Most Things Start With Being A Fool

Stopping the cycle of self-criticism starts with reframing how you see growth. Think of yourself as a beginner:

• Feeling foolish or experiencing imposter syndrome is part of learning – it’s not failure.
• Tackle small challenges to build confidence.
• View discomfort as a sign you’re stretching and growing.
• Celebrate small wins, even if they seem minor.
• Replace “humiliation” with “humility” – you’re learning, not failing.
• Picture your progress from novice to skilled, knowing mastery takes time.

The willingness to try, trip over, and keep going is key. Over time, self-compassion will make you stronger, not weaker.

Self-Awareness: Your Inner Pause Button

We often don’t even realise how harshly we speak to ourselves – those automatic, critical thoughts can run unchecked in the background. Self-awareness is the first step in changing that script. It’s about recognising those moments when your inner critic takes over, pausing, and choosing to respond differently.

Think of it as grabbing the reins of your life. Life might throw chaos your way, but no matter what’s going on, you always have the power to decide how you’ll move forward. With practice, this pause and response can shift how you think and feel (and then behave), helping you regain control instead of reacting on autopilot.

Stop Being An Arsehole To Yourself

Your mind has the potential to be your best mate or your worst enemy – it’s your choice which one you hang out with. Swap harsh self-criticism for something more supportive. A powerful cognitive strategy is thought challenging – questioning those negative thoughts instead of just accepting them.

For example, if you muck up your words while speaking in a meeting and think, “I’m so pathetic,” pause and ask yourself:

• What evidence contradicts this thought? E.g., people stayed engaged.
• Am I blowing this out of proportion? E.g., no one cares as much as I do – everyone stumbles over their words sometimes.
• What would I say to a friend who thought this about themselves? E.g., you nailed the important parts.
• Is there another way to look at this situation? E.g., proof I’m human and relatable.

Chances are, you’ll realise that even one, two, or three mistakes don’t define you. Instead of beating yourself up, focus on what you can learn from it and what you’ll do differently next time. With practice, talking to yourself with understanding instead of criticism will feel much more natural.

Take Responsibility Without Harsh Self-Judgement

Being less hard on yourself doesn’t mean ignoring your problems or making excuses. In fact, the moment you take full responsibility for your life – getting back in the driver’s seat – is the moment you gain the power to change anything you want.

It’s not about avoiding accountability; it’s about facing challenges with a kinder attitude. This approach helps you make positive changes without the weight of harsh self-judgment slowing you down.

End Your Day with Self-Appreciation

Before bed, write down three things you appreciate about yourself. Maybe it’s a quality you like (and not something superficial, like your biceps, but something deeper, like your patience or determination), something you handled well today, or even just getting through a tough moment.

It’s not about fluff – it’s about training your brain to focus on what you’re doing right instead of tearing yourself down. If being hard on yourself has been your default, this practice helps rewire that thinking. Over time, these more positive, helpful, and realistic thoughts can become your norm.

It Ain’t Weak To Speak

Don’t get trapped in your own head. Talk to someone – perspective can be priceless. Opening up about what’s on your mind can be tough, but bottling it up only makes it worse. It’s like holding a football underwater – the harder and deeper you push it, the bigger the POP when your arms eventually begin to ache and it bursts free. Speak with someone you trust – a mate, colleague, family member, or professional – someone who lifts you up and genuinely has your back.

Speaking up helps lighten the load and reminds you that you’re not fighting in the trenches alone.

Debunking Myths About Self-Compassion

Let’s finish by challenging a few myths about being kinder to yourself:

• “If I’m too easy on myself, I won’t get anything done.”
  Like we’ve touched on, being kind to yourself doesn’t mean slacking off. It’s about building a mindset where you can try again without letting the fear of failure stop you in your tracks.
• “Being kind to myself, prioritising myself now and then, is selfish.”
  Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish – it’s essential. When you look after your well-being, you’re in a much better place to show up and support the people who matter to you.

“I don’t deserve compassion.”

Hmm, you bloody do. Everyone does. Being less hard on yourself isn’t about ignoring mistakes or pretending they don’t exist – it’s about treating yourself with fairness and understanding. We all mess up. What counts is how we pick ourselves back up and keep moving forward.