“Fellas, talk”. Suicide is devastating. The pain is real.

Written by: LUKE FOSTER LIVIN’s Psychologist

A death is more than ‘another suicide statistic’. It’s the loss of a loved one, a cherished friend, a colleague, parent, brother, coach, or child. The moment you hear the news it’s often unexpected, shocking, and unbelievable. A moment you will never forget.

Over the last few days and in response to the tragic news about Paul Green, I’ve had conversations with people who are hurting and are feeling each (and all) of these emotions. These conversations have quickly reminded me that each ‘statistic’ is a human, a life. I think we sometimes forget this when presented with the numbers alone.

Lately, I’ve seen some warm-hearted, supportive, and well-intentioned posts. I’ve seen powerful quotes, and words of encouragement. “Fellas, talk”, “Fellas, be more vulnerable”, “Fella’s, reach out”.

As a psychologist, I too have experienced my share of difficult times and dark moments. Intellectually, I know what will impact my mental health in both helpful and unhelpful ways. I know to reach out when I’m struggling. But I don’t always do it when I should. I get it. It’s not easy to “just talk” and “be more vulnerable”.

In the midst of the chaos, the confusion, the ‘she’ll be right’, the actual pain and the suffering, it can be bloody hard to know HOW to talk, HOW to be more vulnerable, and WHO to talk to.

So, why don’t we do it?

The reasons why some men aren’t willing or able to talk are many – it’s complicated. Speaking from personal and professional experience, I’ve found thoughts and assumptions in the moment can play a big role. “It’s Sunday afternoon, he/she will be too busy”, “They couldn’t be bothered listening to my shit”, “I don’t want to bother/burden them”, “They’ve got their own stuff going on” are things I’ve thought at times and heard from others.

The thing is, these thoughts are only true…. sometimes. Our thoughts and assumptions are not always factual. If you’ve got good people in your corner, more often than not, someone will be willing to drop everything to help you out.

When should we reach out?

Planning when overwhelmed is rarely a good idea. Your mind and emotions can already be maxed out and it can be hard to think things through ‘in the heat of battle’. Put something in place earlier. Think of who you believe would be genuinely helpful should ‘shit hit the fan’.

IF and THEN statements can be useful.

IF I start to spiral, IF I feel like crap (insert whatever phrase resonates with you), THEN I will reach out to (insert the name of a trusted friend, a trusted family member, and a reliable professional support person or number). Make this a tangible plan. Have it front and center somewhere – on your fridge, in your wallet, or stored in your phone – or, at the very least, clear in your mind.

What do I say?

Once you reach out, finding the right words can be tough. “How do I start?”, “What am I going to say?” are common barriers. I recommend keeping it simple, just be clear. It doesn’t have to be well worded. Say something like “Hey sis, I’m not doing so good” or “Hey mate, I’m fucking struggling right now”. This is a great place to start and often the hardest words to say.

How should I respond if someone reaches out?

As the person providing support, it can be tempting to go into ‘fix it mode’ straight away. You want the suffering to stop as much as they do. It’s hard to see someone in pain. Unfortunately, suggesting solutions at the wrong time, particularly straight off the bat can be frustrating to the person reaching out. For me, once I hung up on a good mate (regrettably) who was offering solutions before fully hearing me out. In the moment, it pissed me off! But it wasn’t their fault, they had good intentions, and I did later apologise. It’s just that I was frustrated and overwhelmed in the moment. I didn’t need suggestions; I wasn’t ready to hear or problem solve. What I really needed at the time was to talk, to get the chaotic stuff in my mind out.

If in doubt, start by simply listening to understand, “I’m here, tell me what’s going on?”, “What else is going on?”. After you ask a question, take a breath, slowwww down and listen. Find out what you can do to help, or what they might need in that moment – “How can I help you right now?”. If they don’t know, that’s ok, let them know you can be there while they figure it out.

Can struggles be avoided?

It’s ideal to keep on top of your mental health. Of course, this is easier said than done when we live in the real world – full of internal and external challenges, pressures and unexpected events. It’s important to prioritise looking after yourself each and every day. This includes staying connected with people to ensure you have a good team in your corner. You don’t need a huge team; it can be one or two reliable allies. The people to help you navigate life’s inevitable challenges – small, medium or large.

Life can be, let’s face it, shit at times. However, we are all in this together so remember to be a good mate to yourself, and a good mate to those around you.