Being More Assertive

Nailing the balance between being a pushover and a bulldozer can feel like walking a tightrope. Assertive communication hits that sweet spot – expressing yourself clearly and respectfully (graciously is probably a nice word to describe the goal) – while making room for others. It’s not just about having your say; it’s about strengthening connections, not sparking conflict.

What Assertiveness Is (and Isn’t)

Assertiveness isn’t aggression. Aggression steamrolls others to get your way. Assertiveness is about respect. It’s the art of speaking your truth while valuing others’ perspectives – building bridges instead of burning them.

Then there’s passivity. That’s the “keep the peace” strategy, where you stay quiet, don’t have your needs met, and let resentment build. Over time, this chips away at self-esteem and narrows your window of tolerance – the tension builds until you either implode or act in a way that doesn’t align with how you want to be perceived.

Assertiveness keeps the focus on balance – standing up for yourself without knocking anyone else down. The primary goal is to get your needs met more fully by communicating differently in a way that others respond to more positively.

Why Assertiveness Works

• Keeps Things Calm: Sticking to facts and avoiding blame prevents unnecessary tension.
• Builds Stronger Bonds: Respect is contagious – when people feel heard and valued, relationships thrive.
• Strikes a Balance: Ensures everyone’s needs get considered, not just yours.
• Boosts Self-Worth: Standing up for yourself reinforces that you matter.
• Gets Results: Clear, direct communication makes it more likely your needs will be met.

The Role of Emotion Regulation in Assertiveness

If emotions run the show, assertiveness can tip into aggression. Anger, frustration, or anxiety can hijack your message, turning clarity into confrontation.

Instead, pause. Take a breath. Ask yourself:
“How do I say this without letting my emotions take over?”

Staying grounded keeps your communication authentic, balanced, and impactful.

Challenge Your Thoughts: Cognitive Restructuring for Assertiveness

What’s holding you back from being assertive might not be the situation – it could be your own thoughts.

Cognitive restructuring (rewiring your thinking) helps you spot unhelpful beliefs, challenge them, and replace them with more constructive alternatives. [Think of it like updating old software in your brain – replacing outdated, self-limiting thoughts with more helpful and realistic ones.]

Example Shift:
Instead of: “If I speak up, they’ll think I’m difficult.”
Try: “Speaking up improves how we work together, not just how I’m perceived.”

Assertiveness often starts in your head. Get that right, and the rest will follow.

Tips to Practice Assertiveness

• Be Direct: Skip vague phrasing. Instead of “Maybe we should think about doing something differently,” say “I think we need to revise the process to improve efficiency.”
• Use the Right Tone: A calm voice, solid eye contact, and open posture back up your words.
• Stick to ‘I’ Statements:
  • “I feel frustrated when you’re late” lands better than “You’re always late.”
• Avoid ‘You’ Statements:
  • Instead of “You never listen to me,” try “I feel unheard when I’m interrupted.”
• Be Specific:
  • “This report is missing details” works better than “You did a bad job.”
• Stay Measured: Words like “always” and “never” exaggerate and escalate. Keep it factual.
• Practice, Practice, Practice: Assertiveness is a skill – it gets easier the more you do it.

Use a Simple Framework

Try this Assertive Three-Step:

1. I feel: Lay out your emotion (e.g., “I feel frustrated”).
2. Describe the problem: Stick to the facts (e.g., “We haven’t spent much time together lately”).
3. I would prefer it if: Make a specific, actionable request (e.g., “I’d like us to schedule time to connect”).

Stop Over-Apologising. Ditch those unnecessary “Sorry!” moments. They undercut your message and confidence.

Real-Life Application

Scenario: You’re in a meeting, and someone interrupts while you’re speaking.

• Shrinking back means your ideas get sidelined.
• Snapping back escalates tension.

An assertive response:

“I’d like to finish my point first, and then I’d love to hear your thoughts.”

Clear, calm, and respectful. It sets a boundary while keeping the conversation open.

Assertiveness isn’t just about speaking up – it’s about creating stronger, healthier relationships. By managing emotions and being intentional with your communication, you can express your needs confidently and authentically.

Start small, keep at it, and watch the difference – one clear conversation at a time..